Narcissism isn’t always easy to spot, especially when it’s covert. Recognizing the signs and traits of this personality disorder subtype is essential to managing a relationship with a covert narcissist effectively.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is often associated with grandiose traits such as attention-seeking, boastful behavior, and pretentiousness. While these traits define overt narcissism, they don’t account for all types of narcissism.
Covert narcissism, also referred to as vulnerable narcissism, is a quieter, more subtle form of NPD. It combines traits like self-centeredness and manipulation with an introverted or reserved demeanor. Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists might appear humble or shy, which makes their harmful traits less noticeable.
Living or interacting with a covert narcissist can be emotionally exhausting. They may react defensively to criticism, making you feel as though you’re always treading lightly around them. They often express negativity, complain about being unappreciated, and rarely offer emotional support in return. At their core, covert narcissists lack empathy, are envious of others, and use passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate those around them.
Understanding covert narcissism is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Whether you’re dealing with a covert narcissist mother, husband, or friend, recognizing the signs can help you navigate the challenges of the relationship.
Key Traits of a Covert Narcissist
The characteristics of covert narcissism can be subtle, making them harder to detect compared to overt narcissists. Below are some common traits of a covert narcissist:
- Self-Centeredness: Like all narcissists, covert narcissists are highly self-focused, often prioritizing their needs and struggles over others. Conversations are frequently one-sided, leaving you feeling unheard.
- Introversion: Unlike overt narcissists who crave the spotlight, covert narcissists may appear reserved or even socially awkward. This introversion can sometimes mask their deeper narcissistic traits.
- Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Covert narcissists cannot handle feedback well. Instead of reacting with visible anger, they may withdraw, sulk, or act defensively.
- Desire for Recognition: Covert narcissists crave validation and admiration, often through subtle boasts about their accomplishments or perceived talents.
- Fragile Self-Esteem: Beneath their reserved exterior lies deep insecurity. They may appear modest but often harbor feelings of inadequacy that can spiral if they don’t receive validation.
- Victim Mentality: Covert narcissists frequently see themselves as misunderstood or unappreciated victims. They might say things like, “No one ever notices how hard I work.”
- Passive Aggression: Instead of direct confrontation, covert narcissists express resentment subtly, through backhanded compliments, withholding information, or silent treatment.
- Manipulation: Covert narcissists often shift blame or use guilt to manipulate others. For instance, they may claim your actions caused their struggles, deflecting responsibility from themselves.
- Negativity: Covert narcissists tend to have a pessimistic or cynical outlook, often rooted in emotional instability and heightened sensitivity to stress.
- Insecure Attachment Style: While grandiose narcissists often dismiss relationships, covert narcissists may fear rejection or abandonment, further complicating their ability to form healthy, reciprocal bonds.
What Contributes to the Development of Covert Narcissism?
The development of covert narcissism is believed to be influenced by a combination of genetic and childhood factors. Various elements contribute to the emergence of narcissistic traits, such as genetic predispositions and early life experiences.
Genetic Factors
There may be genetic factors that predispose individuals to develop narcissistic traits. Research, including studies involving twins, suggests that narcissistic personality traits are partially inheritable, similar to other personality disorders. While genetics may not be the sole cause, they play a significant role in the development of these tendencies.
Childhood Experiences
Early experiences, particularly during childhood, also contribute to the formation of covert narcissism. A child who receives excessive praise or admiration from parents may develop a sense of entitlement and self-importance. Conversely, children who face neglect, abuse, or constant criticism might develop narcissistic traits as a defense mechanism to cope with low self-esteem. These individuals may seek validation and admiration from others to compensate for the emotional wounds left by early experiences.
How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be emotionally draining and challenging. Their manipulative behavior and passive-aggressive tendencies can leave you feeling exhausted and confused. Here are some strategies to cope with a covert narcissist while protecting your emotional health:
Set Realistic Expectations for the Relationship
Covert narcissists are often difficult to identify due to their introverted nature. Their manipulative behavior and self-absorption may go unnoticed, especially in the early stages of the relationship. To cope effectively, it’s important to maintain realistic expectations about the relationship.
- Learn About Narcissism: Understanding the nature of narcissistic personality disorder and its manifestations can help you manage your expectations. Research the condition, its origins, and how it affects behavior to better understand the challenges you face.
- Don’t Excuse Bad Behavior: Covert narcissists may fail to recognize their own wrongdoing. Resist the urge to overlook their toxic behavior due to love or loyalty. Always acknowledge their actions and the impact they have on you.
- Know Your Limits: Narcissistic traits are often deeply ingrained, and many covert narcissists are unwilling to acknowledge they have a problem. It’s not your responsibility to “fix” them, but you can encourage them to seek therapy. However, remember that change may not be possible.
Establish and Enforce Healthy Boundaries
Covert narcissists often overstep boundaries due to their self-centered nature. Setting and maintaining clear boundaries is essential to prevent emotional harm and frustration.
- Have a Specific Goal: Decide on one specific behavior you want to change. For example, if the covert narcissist regularly lies to you, address this issue directly and clearly.
- Set Realistic Consequences: If boundaries are crossed, determine what actions you’ll take. For example, if the covert narcissist makes subtle insults, you might limit your interactions with them. Be sure that the consequences you set are reasonable and enforceable.
- Be Prepared for Retaliation: Covert narcissists may react negatively to boundaries, using passive-aggressive behavior or subtle meanness to express their displeasure. Don’t take their reactions personally; instead, remain calm and focused on your own well-being.
Recognize and Address Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Covert narcissists often express their anger indirectly through passive-aggressive behavior. These actions can include ignoring you, giving the silent treatment, or pretending to forget commitments. Handling passive aggression can be challenging, but here are some tips:
- Identify Patterns: Observe the covert narcissist’s behavior for recurring patterns of passive aggression. For instance, they may withdraw emotionally when criticized or leave tasks incomplete to provoke an emotional reaction.
- Control Your Own Anger: Covert narcissists may manipulate situations to make you feel guilty for your reactions. Stay composed, and avoid reacting impulsively. Take time to calm down before responding to their passive-aggressive behavior.
- Invite Open Communication: Address the issue calmly and directly. You might say something like, “I noticed that you seemed upset after our conversation earlier. Is everything okay?” This opens the door for a discussion, even if they deny any issue.
- Pick Your Battles: It’s important not to engage in every conflict. Covert narcissists may attempt to shift blame or manipulate situations to avoid accountability. Rather than defending yourself excessively, simply state that you disagree and move on.
Seek Fulfillment and Support Outside the Relationship
Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can often feel emotionally unfulfilling. They may be too focused on their own needs to provide the emotional connection you need. It’s essential to seek support and fulfillment outside of the relationship:
- Nurture Healthier Relationships: Focus on strengthening bonds with friends and family who offer the emotional support and understanding you need. Redirect your attention toward relationships that are mutually beneficial.
- Focus on Your Own Well-Being: Reclaim your sense of self by pursuing activities and hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment. Don’t rely on the covert narcissist for validation or approval.
- Seek Professional Help: If you experience anxiety, depression, or emotional distress due to the relationship, consider seeking professional therapy. A therapist can help you navigate the complexities of your relationship and teach you how to maintain healthy boundaries.
Recognize When It’s Time to Walk Away
Leaving an abusive relationship or ending a friendship with a covert narcissist is not easy. You might care deeply for them, but it’s crucial to recognize when their behavior is too harmful to your emotional health and well-being. Here are some steps to consider when deciding to leave:
- Create a List: Make a list of reasons for ending the relationship. This will help clarify your thoughts and remind you why it’s necessary to move on. You can refer to this list whenever you feel tempted to give them another chance.
- Allow Yourself to Grieve: Even though the relationship may have been toxic, breaking up with someone you care about can still be painful. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship.
- Lean on Your Support Network: During this time, rely on friends, family, and support groups to help you heal. If you don’t feel comfortable reaching out to your social network, consider turning to helplines or domestic violence shelters for assistance.
Seeking Help If You Are a Covert Narcissist
People with covert narcissism may be unaware of how their behavior affects others. However, if you recognize your own narcissistic traits and are open to change, there are strategies you can implement to improve your emotional well-being and relationships.
- Build Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, regulate, and use your emotions to enhance your life and relationships. Improving EQ can help you manage anger, envy, and other negative feelings, making your interactions more positive.
- Build Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Developing empathy can help you connect with those around you and reduce self-absorption. Like emotional intelligence, empathy can be cultivated with practice.
- Work with a Therapist: Professional therapy can help you address the deeper emotional issues behind your behavior. Therapy may involve psychotherapy and, in some cases, medication. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is one approach that can help you gain emotional insight, build resilience, and develop empathy.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about Covert Narcissism
What is covert narcissism?
Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a personality disorder characterized by self-centeredness, manipulative behavior, and an introverted demeanor. Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists are more reserved, appearing modest or shy, but they still crave admiration and recognition.
How can I identify a covert narcissist in my life?
Common signs of covert narcissism include hypersensitivity to criticism, passive-aggressive behavior, a constant need for validation, introversion, and a victim mentality. Covert narcissists may also struggle with self-esteem and engage in manipulative tactics like guilt-tripping or blame-shifting.
What causes covert narcissism?
Covert narcissism may be influenced by a combination of genetic factors and childhood experiences. Excessive praise or neglect during childhood may contribute to the development of narcissistic traits. These traits can emerge as a coping mechanism for low self-esteem or emotional neglect.
How can I protect myself from a covert narcissist in a relationship?
To protect yourself, it’s important to maintain a realistic perspective of the relationship, set clear boundaries, guard against passive-aggressive behavior, and seek support from friends and family. In some cases, ending the relationship may be the best option for your mental well-being.
Is there hope for a covert narcissist to change?
While it can be difficult for covert narcissists to change, therapy can help them recognize and address their behavior. Emotional intelligence (EQ) and empathy are two key areas that can be improved through therapy, helping covert narcissists develop healthier relationships.
What are the signs that I should leave a relationship with a covert narcissist?
If you find yourself constantly drained, manipulated, or emotionally abused, it may be time to end the relationship. Signs include persistent passive-aggressive behavior, manipulation, a lack of reciprocity, and ongoing emotional harm. Creating a list of reasons for leaving and seeking support from others can help you navigate this tough decision.
Can a covert narcissist be treated with therapy?
Yes, covert narcissists can benefit from therapy, particularly approaches like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which helps individuals understand their emotions, manage interpersonal relationships, and develop greater empathy. Working with a therapist is an important step in addressing the disorder.
How do covert narcissists behave when they don’t get validation?
Covert narcissists often react negatively when they don’t receive the validation they seek. They may become withdrawn, defensive, or passive-aggressive, sometimes blaming others or playing the victim to garner sympathy and attention.
What is the difference between covert and overt narcissism?
Overt narcissism is marked by overtly grandiose behaviors, such as seeking attention, boasting, and demanding admiration. Covert narcissism, on the other hand, involves a more introverted and reserved demeanor, where the narcissist may appear modest while still craving validation and recognition.
Can covert narcissism affect my mental health?
Yes, being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can take a significant toll on your mental health. You may feel emotionally drained, manipulated, or gaslighted. It’s essential to establish boundaries, seek therapy, and engage in self-care to protect your mental well-being.
Final Thoughts
Covert narcissism can be difficult to spot, but it often leads to chaotic relationships and self-destructive behaviors. Instead of waiting for change to happen on its own, it’s important to take proactive measures to protect your peace and overall mental health. Whether you are dealing with covert narcissism in a relationship or recognizing it in yourself, taking steps to address the issue can lead to healthier emotional well-being.
